Thursday, December 2, 2010

Wonders if he really understands...

I have so much on my mind these days. So bare with me here. I need to vent some things and I KNOW I'm not the only military wife who has gone through this.

To my family and husband, this is no way a "bitch fest"  It's some feelings I've been having and need to wonder out loud, so to speak.

As Rob and I are up for orders, needless to say things have been hectic around here. We know we will be moving in May, and Rob will be recruiting. Location and dates STILL unknown. Though this fact alone annoys me greatly, I still have enough on my plate to keep my thoughts from screaming about it. With work ups for deployment (again Rob won't be attending this) Rob is gone so much of the time between now and the move, that most of the work falls on me. Selling the house and whatever we do not plan to take. Making arrangements on the other side for when we move. Researching how to do it all, and still working my own job and keeping up the house. Now I will take these responsibilities and do the very best I can with them. I DID "sign up" for this lifestyle and will do my best to work with it each and every day, no matter what it entails. Now, I'm not trying to lay all my "business" in the streets, but Rob and I had a conversation the other day about what I had planned when he got back from Fallon N.V work ups. I simply said "house work". And that's roughly where  the conversation headed south very fast. he politely reminded me we have a marriage to work on and everything with the orders will work out. "They always do" was his words I believe. He then reminded me we haven't had time lately together to be a married couple or to even start a family. This is where my side of the conversation went sour. I KNOW all of these things. And as we have been trying for awhile to start a family, it pains me this isn't already happening for us. I have 2 very young, not married girls at work that are pregnant. It makes me angry and resentful that this is how life has worked out. we so very much want to have a family, and as he pointed out on the phone, we are pushing our 30's. So with all this in my head and not having him here to talk this out, I'm left with anger about this conversation.

So here's my question...How do I make him understand?
Wanting to the be the navy wife I am, supporting my husband and doing whats needed on the home front while his orders say we have to leave without telling us where. And keeping him away so much before this is to happen, leaving me flying solo a lot. I know we've been trying to start a family, and I want to start school, and I know we have no time together right now. He says it will all come together, yet I am the only one home most of the time. So if I don't get it together, things will fall apart. And when I talked to him about what needs to be done etc, he tells me I should be thinking about us. How can I please everyone here? I know we have no time together, but in my head working on getting our house etc here worked on should be our main focus. I'm doing all of this so he can follow his career. Yes, I am a proud navy wife, and yes the navy pays our bills, but its not MY career I'm doing this all for. My career has to be put on hold until we relocate. There's simply no time.'s the problem...How do I make him understand that I am willing to put aside my career, a family, our time together as a married couple for him to follow the path he chose? Why doesn't he understand? Am I wrong here? I chose this life and am willing to do what it takes, so why is he fighting me on this?

I guess I just needed to get all of this out before my head exploded.

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